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(Editor’s Notice, this letter was written earlier than Doc’s loss of life in August, 2020 however nonetheless related as Doc’s rules are timeless).
Hey Doc,
I’m a 36-year-old, well-educated, joyful and profitable dude. I’m additionally well-groomed and well-preserved and am regarded as a man who has his recreation collectively. I really like your material, and the truth that you might be at all times ensuring us guys are being cautious on the similar time that we’re having fun with the journey.
I simply bought out of a two-year relationship – and naturally she left me! After studying your thoughts on being on the rebound and emotional baggage, I ought to have seen the “purple flags” a lot earlier!
Anyway, I’m again on the love hunt and want some assist. I simply went on a second date with a 31-year-old “Caprice” after a really profitable first date (on which I waited 5 days to name, made a rapid name to arrange a Starbucks assembly, no touching, although she touched me a number of occasions, stored it to 45 minutes, and many others.). She even e-mailed me that evening to thank me for a good time.
On the second date I picked Caprice up and took her to dinner, and every little thing was going nice — till I opened my yap! She requested me a private query a few previous relationship. Nothing too heavy, simply “So, what was your longest relationship?” So I believed I’d have some enjoyable with it, and instructed her she wanted to indicate me an indication of excellent religion. I proceeded in a really mild and humorous strategy to say that if she kissed me on the cheek, I MIGHT inform her. Man, did I feel that was clean! However immediately her entire angle modified, to very closed-off. She even folded her arms at dinner! She instructed me I must be extra open since she was being open with me, and blah blah blah.
Effectively, I used to be in a position to steer the date considerably again on monitor after a bit (however nonetheless didn’t reply her query). I dropped her off at her place and tried to present her the “what the hell” kiss. She then leaned over and kissed each my cheeks and whispered, “Okay, there are your kisses, and subsequent date you owe me my solutions!”
I smiled, grabbed her by the again of the top, and laid a deep, lengthy one on her. She smiled, together with her eyes nonetheless closed, after which I walked off. What do you consider my genius transfer after she kissed my cheeks? Do you suppose she is well worth the all-important third date, or was her rapid closed-off response to my cute cheek-kiss query not that of a Versatile Giver? Anyway, lay it on me, Doc!
Sheppard – who desires to know if he has a tiger by the tail
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Hello Sheppard,
Hey, why are you “well-preserved” at solely 36? I believed well-preserved went with being 86 and having one foot within the grave. Are you certain you’re actually 36 years younger?
You talked about that I would like you guys “having fun with the journey.” Man, I couldn’t have mentioned it higher myself. That’s essentially the most stunning sentence in your letter. Guys, you must get pleasure from yourselves if you’re on the market courting, and you must examine my book not solely since you need to get the lady, however as a result of it’s the TRUTH. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, the reality will lead you to do some nice, nice issues, for those who’ll simply allow them to occur.”
Relating to your ex, Sheppard, I’ll wager you probably did see these large purple flags early on, however like most males you determined to look away, and also you rationalized them on account of your excessive Curiosity Stage. However slowly these ugly purple flags chipped away at your degree of respect and the top was inevitable – prefer it at all times is.
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My buddy, you probably did every little thing proper in your first date with Caprice. I’m pleased with you. When she e-mailed you to thanks for a good time, that was a sign of excessive Curiosity Stage. Her gesture was above and past the decision of obligation. So your Caprice was okay after date primary – she confirmed some traits of being a keeper. However you’ve a protracted, lengthy strategy to go. Like my cousin Normal Love says, “It will likely be simpler to get Hannibal’s elephants over the Alps than will probably be to get this lady to 9 dates!”
I’m glad you notice that free lips sink ships. As my cousin Quick Eddie Love likes to place it, “The issue with each man is that he opens his yap!” To you Psych majors, as soon as a woman likes you, you need to by no means speak once more. It doesn’t increase Curiosity Stage, which is all try to be involved with.
Caprice probes you a few previous relationship and it’s “nothing too heavy?” Dude, that is very, very heavy. This gal didn’t carry a BB gun to dinner, she introduced a howitzer! Do you want glasses, Sheppard? Keep in mind, once they begin with the heavy questions, you’ve bought to channel Chris Rock or Jim Gaffigan on the spot.
Making Caprice kiss you on the cheek as cost on your background data was a really gutsy transfer. I occur to suppose it’s too sturdy for the second day trip, however I’ll offer you a prime grade for closing. At the least you had the center to go for it.
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Know why Caprice’s angle went south? As a result of she didn’t need to play. Her interview was extra necessary to her than falling in love with you. She had her agenda, and she or he was going comply with it come hell or excessive water. Like Johnny down on the Shell station, she hauled out her record of “to-dos” – test the tires, oil, air filter, transmission fluid, and many others. What she did, actually, was offer you an oblique ultimatum. And if you didn’t capitulate to it, every little thing modified — her physique language, her angle, every little thing — simply because she didn’t need to play. Caprice doesn’t need to be beloved. Her agenda – dragging up all your previous romantic disasters proper then and there — was an important factor to her, and if it takes any longer than proper now, then she’s out of there. Wow, does she sound like a blast!
However good for you, Sheppard, that you simply didn’t go together with it. Ninety-nine % of all guys would have caved on the spot and offered out their manhood.
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I’ve handy it to you, man. Going for the “what the hell kiss” reveals that you simply’re a winner. You get an “A” in LIPS. You is likely to be performing some stuff unsuitable right here and there, however with regards to LIPS, you’re aces.
When Caprice talked about your subsequent date, you need to have growled, “Hey, sweetheart, aren’t you’re being just a bit too assured right here,” similar to Jude Regulation would have, then flashed your greatest boyish smile. If you laid the deep lengthy one on her, you confirmed once more what you’re product of. Most guys don’t have cojones, they’re shrinking violets within the presence of those 110-pound sticks of dynamite referred to as females, however you’ve bought the alternative downside. I need to tone you down just a little bit. However I dig that you simply walked off into the evening similar to Humphrey Bogart.
Your genius transfer labored, Sheppard. However what we don’t know is whether or not Caprice is Versatile, and, due to this fact, a keeper. She wished arduous solutions to her interview, so that you’re up there by way of her Curiosity Stage. However I didn’t like her pouting – it reveals that she’s rigid. Each time you two disagree on one thing sooner or later, she’s going to pout. And don’t neglect, this was solely date quantity two. When she begins laying on the guilt and strain over the large stuff – cash, children, in-laws –you’re going to really feel it like a rat being suffocated by a boa constrictor. Man, do you really need that for the following 45 years? That’s what “The System” is about: stopping half a century of thriller if you’re caught with the identical lady. Guys, are you able to think about?
So what you’re going to do, Sheppard, shouldn’t be reply Caprice’s questions. You’re going to give you “funnies.” When she says to you, “So, what was your longest relationship,” you’re going to say, “I’m nonetheless in it. I’ve been going with this lady for 4 years.” And when her stunning violet eyes widen and she or he calls for, “Effectively, what are you doing with me, then,” you’ll say “I’m in search of a substitute. I would like some backup. That’s why I’m interviewing you.”
Fellas, like the good Zen masters you must study to be indifferent. Being joined on the hip eternally doesn’t work.
Keep in mind, guys: you gotta go for the kiss.