Deal with a Perfectionistic Partner

The will to be excellent or to have an ideal mate and marriage is one thing I see lots within the {couples} I counsel, in addition to within the marriages of my mates. All of us need issues to go easily and consider the lie that aiming for perfection will convey us to a blissful state. Nonetheless, in my expertise, the extra I attempt to pursue perfection in life and marriage, the extra I invariably miss the mark and discover myself discouraged and discontent.

Sarcastically, it’s very easy to identify our mate’s perfectionism, however not really easy to see it in our personal lives. Enable me to pose some questions which may convey this tendency into clearer focus for us all.


Do you wrestle with feeling like you possibly can by no means fulfill your partner?

Do you are likely to get into arguments together with your mate over who’s proper or how one thing ought to be finished?

Do you ever really feel such as you’re in competitors together with your partner?


In the event you answered “sure” to any of these questions, you then is likely to be married to or, even worse, “be the perfectionist” partner in your marriage.


Heaven show you how to if you’re like me—the place each you and your partner are perfectionists! In my marriage, our striving for perfection has prompted extra failures, particularly in our efforts to speak, than I can start to let you know. It has left us feeling emotionally insecure—each once we’ve individually blown it, and once we’ve collectively prompted a wedding meltdown.


Perhaps you’re discouraged as a result of your mate is the perfectionist who can’t settle for you as you might be. In the event you’re a perfectionist your self, you’ve most probably felt the frustration and disappointment of a mate who has usually failed to attain your ultimate customary. What’s much more paradoxical is that you just in all probability have been drawn to your partner due to some very optimistic perfectionist traits, like the truth that your mate is …







An achiever


A great chief/supervisor


So how do you cope with your partner’s incessant want for perfection? Or if you are the one driving your partner loopy with all your guidelines and “oughts,” how do you alter your overachieving methods? I’ve to say that though I’m a perfectionist, I nonetheless haven’t “completely” discovered how to do that but. However there’s one factor I do know—studying to simply accept the imperfect in each my partner, in addition to in myself factors me in the proper route.

This implies studying to each day grasp for God’s ever-available grace. For instance, every time I’m coping with my partner’s crazy-making criticalness, I look to God to assist me lengthen grace to my husband. I additionally attempt to see and settle for that my partner is flawed and human, and received’t at all times see how his excessive requirements are coming throughout to me. This additionally means forgiving him, even when he doesn’t see or admit his fault. And maybe most significantly, I have to study to be sort and loving—looking for to concentrate on the great in him, quite than turning into bitter due to the unhealthy I’m momentarily experiencing in our relationship.


Now, when I’m the one doling out the A+ angle, I want to show to God once more for perspective. I have to tackle a sober view of my expectations, as a result of what seems like a “want” is greater than seemingly a “need” as an alternative. Surrendering my sense of entitlement to God is an efficient starting level. Recognizing simply how flawed and human I’m is yet one more necessary step in the proper route. Once I go additional to apologize for being demanding or crucial, I do even higher. And as a perfectionist, I love doing higher!


Lastly, Paul’s phrases in Romans 12:3, provides all of us a template for locating the proper stability and strategy when perfectionism rears up in marriage…

“For by the grace given me I say to everybody considered one of you: Don’t consider your self extra extremely than you ought, however quite consider your self with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of religion God has given you.”


Once we humbly place our imperfect hearts within the arms of the Lord, we are able to love our mates with Jesus’ excellent and highly effective love that far outshines any perfectionistic effort we would ever hope to attain in marriage.

Beth Steffaniak is a pastor’s spouse of 35 years, a mother of three sons, 1 daughter-in-law, and two grandsons. She’s additionally a Biblical Counselor, writer, and blogger at Beth has additionally been a speaker at varied girls’s occasions, each on-line and in individual, and has performed many marriage workshops along with her husband all through the years.

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